I have lost my best friend. Maybe lost is the wrong word. They haven’t died but I feel the empty space where they used to be acutely. 

We were friends for over two years. I met him originally at a tweet up and after it had finished I dropped him off at the train station. That would have been that only he looked so forlorn as he walked away that I texted him to make sure he was alright a couple of days after. He texted back and from that day on we were friends. 

He is one of the most lovely, caring and thoughtful people but he has no idea. He is also ridiculously funny which doesn’t always come across in texts. He’s brilliant at finding out information you need and encouraging you to do new things. Although he can be unintentionally harsh when you don’t take his advice or if you dont step out your comfort zone when he recommends something (I have a carpark I’m comfortable with for instance, it drove him nuts that I’d park miles away and walk).

He is difficult to care for. He doesn’t like it if you worry about him as he’s told me before that he isn’t worth it. He really is. You can’t buy him gifts to show you care as he makes you take them back or never uses them even if he could have a use for them. In the end I resorted to food gifts as I knew he wouldn’t refuse them.

I think I inadvertently broke the friendship last year about this time. I fell in love with him as well as loving him as my dearest friend and after he mentioned in passing that he always fell in love with unobtainable women I misguidedly thought he meant me, so I declared my love for him. He politely but firmly let me down which was hard and hurt but truthfully I would rather have him in my life as my friend than nothing. So I never mentioned it again and we went back to how we were.

It was strained for a while but then I thought we were getting back to what we were before. But he has gradually pulled away more and more till I found out third hand that something had happened to him. This is the man who held me as I sobbed whilst my mum was dying. Who I’ve driven one and a half hours to see when he’s not answered texts as I’ve been worried about him. I’ve picked him up at train stations late at night so I know he’s got home OK (he asked. I wasn’t just stalking). He’s the man who pointed out that I always wore clothes that were two sizes too big, who encouraged me to get a job for the independence and who shared so many pots of tea with me. 

I had felt us drifting apart for a while. He was weird in August last year not long after I had declared myself which I understood and mentioned to him afterwards but he fobbed me off as he had a lot on his mind. I thought it was getting better but then at Christmas I was aware that my enthusiasm was irritating him (despite being an atheist, I love Christmas) so I tried to tone it down.

We had always argued since meeting. Its weird but since meeting he has always felt like family. I don’t offer my opinion to strangers or acquaintances easily but with him I have always felt comfortable debating. It usually ended in laughter. In some ways we are very similar and in others very different. I am eternally optimistic whereas he is a pessimist. He scorns my continual quest to improve myself, I worry about his mental health.

We had an argument several weeks ago where he hung up on me. It was about something ridiculously unimportant but I hadn’t done anything wrong so for once I wasn’t going to apologise and make the first move. Neither was he. After a week it was apparent he was pissed off with me and he said some hurtful things which I pointed out were unnecessary. We seemed to go back to the new normal. Which since about February seems to have been mostly exchanging pleasantries. I know I can be annoying but because I’m unsure what exactly it is that I do that’s so annoying, I’d just stopped telling him everything. Sticking to things in my day that had happened that I thought he might find interesting or funny.
I know its incredibly selfish on my part, but to find out third hand that he had been injured hurt. Even when I phoned to make sure he was OK he didn’t mention it, despite me pointing out that he sounded odd on the phone. I realised then that if he isn’t talking to me then it isn’t a relationship any more. I suspect he has not wanted to be my friend for a while but he is too kind hearted to let me know and I have loved him too much that I have ignored the signs in desperation. He’s the first best friend I’ve ever had. I’ve never had someone that I’ve felt that close or comfortable with before and although it was wonderful I don’t think I will again. I was that annoying kid at school that people tolerated but didn’t let get close. It seems no matter how much we grow as people, some things never change.

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